My Support Group for Domestic Abuse

So I go to a support group once a week.  It has been really great.  It is nice to be amongst people who understand each other and what we have been through.  You can see on peoples faces when someone else is telling a story that we have all experienced that same thing. Today they had us go back to when we first met our "abuser".  What were your dreams and hopes for the relationship and for life.  For me I wanted to make sure I married someone who loved to dance and hike and be active. I didnt really have many plans past that, I was young. I thought that was what I was marrying. While we dated thats all we did. But it all stopped the day we got married. Which is what they refer to as the "light switch moment." When the abuser suddenly becomes a different person one day.

They talked about the "Cinderella story." Most people in America have this fairy tale idea of how a relationship should go. We all want to be adored for our beauty, rescued by prince charming and of course live happily ever after. When that doesn't happen, we all wonder "What Happened?" So maybe our ideas of how life should happen are a little off track.  I am thankful to have the privilege of teaching my daughters how their personality should be just as beautiful as their outward appearance. How dressing appropriately will help attract the right kind of guy that isnt destracted with her body. Now I pray that God will show them how a husband should really treat a wife.  That how we were treated was not ok.

We then talked about if we ever got to the point where we knew what was coming as far as the abuse goes. There is the cycle that happens.  And you learn to keep the peace and try your best to keep things calm.  But it is inevitable no matter what you do.  I remember coming to the place where I knew I could never do enough, everyday he would come home and have some other "request" that I hadn't got around to.  Like one day it was the fridge wasn't clean enough, the next day it was the desk wasn't organized.  I always felt like I would never be a good enough wife and get the right things done.  But in that I am thankful I had the Lord.  I knew that God knew I did my best each day.  And even if I didn't live up to Donavan's standards, I did live up to Gods. 

They explained this: like an alcoholic thinks they will feel better if they drink, a controlling person feels better when they can control something.  So when they have a rough day or something they will come home and "control things" to feel better.  It seems so twisted but its true.  They will plan things out in there head so they can do this.  But in this same cycle there will be "good times" when everything seems fine.  But the cycle all happens again. It is so eye opening to look back over my life and see the big picture.  I was truly devoted and trusting. I always tried harder. Eventually  my love wore thin, and I manly did what I could just to hold life together.  Flowers and nice jesters became meaningless because his actions always said other wise.  Anyway, God has taught me so much. I am so thankful he has walked this road with me.  And thankful for my support group. I love sharing how God has helped me, and continues to help me.

Domestic Abuse

I would like to touch on this special subject a bit.  I feel like people are not aware that this happens. I certainly had no idea.  Domestic abuse. What is that?  Well, we have all heard of Domestic Violence.  And what do we think of when we here that? Oh, those poor women who get beat up all the time by their partners. That is not me! Well, Domestic abuse, is from a different alley, but same cycles. It isn't physical, it's emotional. Emotional abuse is very real and sometimes more damaging than physical abuse. This is a really great web site that shows the signs you are in a abusive relationship. This was really helpful to me. Abusers have a cycle that they follow, over and over. It's so interesting. I was dumbfounded when I realized that these kind of men are all the same. They have so many of the same characteristics. I realized this before I found out other things about Donavan. But it caused me get to get some help and the ball rolling which caused the other "truths" to come out the way they did. God was revealing things to me a little at a time.

 

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

 

If you think that you may be in a situation like this, search for a local domestic violence/abuse clinic, They totally help you with support and what to do now.  I go to a weekly support group that has been a great help.

 

On a side note...This does not mean I don't believe that a husband is head of the household, and God's order of things.  I do believe and have tried to live that. This is not about that.  It is when the man is using fear to control his wife/family, and diminishing her self worth so she is useless to anyone but him, and using threats, those things are not ok.