Abuse.....what is your understanding of this?

Leslie Vernick
The Emotionally Destructive Relationship
Introduction

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is very eye opening.  My stomach was turning after I read this. This is the mess I am cleaning up?!!??!! Wow! No wonder why sometimes I feel overwhelmed, and sometimes I feel nothing, and sometimes I want to hide, sometimes I don't know what I'm feeling, and sometimes its a good day.  This is the latest book I am reading.  It is VERY good.  If you have any thought as to "Maybe I am in a unhealthy or destructive relationship" then this is the perfect book for you.  It explains ABUSE, but it also explains destructive things that we do in our relationships that are not abuse, but they are destructive and will cause problems in our relationships. If you do find that you are in an abusive relationship, PLEASE seek professional help and PRAY.  God will guide you as he did me in the direction you need to go.  But something has to change.  The mess caused by abuse is bigger and far worse than most people can imagine.  I am hoping that people will educate themselves a little bit on this subject.  I was married for 11yrs and we saw many non professional church/friend counselors, and none of them recognized the abuse I was living. I didn't even know it was abuse, till near the very end.  Abuse is much much more than just someone hitting you.  There is emotional, verbal, sexual, and more.  Do a little research.  Maybe you have a friend that is hurting.  Pray for them.  Be there for them.  Abuse is a sensitive thing.  If the abuser knows that the person is becoming aware of things the situation may get worse for the person. They make the person feel helpless and like they are nothing with out them. There are a million reasons that the normal person does not understand as to why people stay with abusers.  I knew my life would be way worse if I ever tried to leave.  I was right.  The month or two before he was arrested were the worse few months of my life. But God was with me every step of the way. Maybe I can tell that story on here someday. Pray for my family as I continue our journey.  And please educate yourself some...to truly be a help to some people in life you need to understand that sometimes they need professional help, the mind of an abuser is an crazy thing. 

The Same

The same....what does that mean? Well, in life we go through a lot of things, we learn a lot, we change a lot.  People change us, circumstances change us.  This post is about being the same. In some aspects that is.  :) I thought I would share this delightful discovery I just made. :) I recently picked up an old, very old, journal of mine.  A journal I had once lost, and it was given back to me in the most random way a few years ago which is a miracle in its self.   The first entry dated 11/13/2000. OK maybe its not THAT old...to you. :) I was just about to throw this journal away because I remembered that most of what is in this journal was about when I met Donavan. But I decided to open it up and read a few pages first, I was quite surprised at what I found.

This is what I wrote for the first entry:

The story of my life. My happy times, sad times, fat times, loving times, hurtful times.  Everything that I am, every thought that I think. Written here in the pages that follow. Written with a pen and ink that costs less than a dollar.  Who would have known that a pen would write something so valuable.  Take this book and pen that costs about $10 together, and create something so priceless. Amazing isn't it? Anything can be something if you make it that way.

 Tomorrow I will be going on my 5th day in my new apartment.  I really love it. I don't have any furniture, but I love it that way. I love the open space, the room to dance, or just to lay where ever I want.  Who knows if I will ever be able to have this much room to myself again.  It is clean.

If I could be anything in the world, I would be a princess. Because they are, to me, always young, beautiful, sweet, kind, and they live in a beautiful house and they always have a beautiful house.  And enough to share with those who need it.  Another thing is they always get to wear beautiful dresses.

I can dream can't I?

End of the journal entry.

Wow....those of you that know me well are probably smiling and laughing and maybe crying, like I did.  I am in shock really.  My true desires of my heart have not changed much at all.  And it is as if my dreams have come true.  I am a princess, daughter of the King.  King of the universe.  I live in a beautiful house with very little furniture so I can dance!! I love to help others and long still, to have plenty to help people with, but I do what I can with what I have for now. I am also blessed to have many beautiful dresses now that I can wear when ever I want. That hasn't always been so. Last but not least, I have told most people, I will never be old. I believe old is a state of mind.... :)

Basically I am so thankful to the Lord, for keeping my heart.  And although I have been through many many things, to put it mildly, yet my heart is the same. And who knew that I really was writing something that would mean SO much to me someday.  Wow!!! I will end with my new favorite quote.....

"Anything can be something if you make it that way."

God Provides

Wow things are really making a turn for the better. God has provided the money for me to get all caught up on things.  I am really excited.  Christmas is always a special time of year to focus on what we can do for others. :) I hope I can bless people as much as I have been blessed.  So not only did God provide all of the money I needed, but He also provided a brand new washing machine!!! I came home one day to a friend video taping me as a gazed upon a brand new washing machine.  She was instructed to get my reaction by the sweet gentleman who bought it for me....it was pretty awesome.  I have never had a brand new washer.   I have people who really care about me. I am truly blessed. 

We need each other

 I am not sure how to start this out. I am kind of realizing I really need to rely on other people to help me out when I really need help. I think I have been trying to manage on my own. Me and God. But sometimes God puts people in our lives to help us out. So now I have been trying to use some people to  help with my kids school work, and watch my kids, hang out with my kids, and doing a co-op has helped a lot too! I am only one person.  I can't be everywhere at once. To have people I can call for different things is really helpful and if you are one of those people...Thank you!!! As many of you may know I have been on a program to help my family heal and go to counseling. I haven't done much for work outside of my small businesses. Although the last month and a half I have been trying to train for a new career.  During the training phase you don't get paid for anything and you have to pay to take some classes online and get licensed.  It has been a bit hard.  But I am getting there.  It's hard to know the balance between being with my kids and working. It seems my kids are struggling with it and its hard on them.  Its been hard on me too. We are still healing.  I have now scheduled it to where I can work 3full days and have the other 4 off.  Being in the working world is so different.  I miss just being a mom and having time to help others.  Anyway.  I still get a bit of money from the state, but its not really enough to cover everything.  I used my tax return for as long as I could.  But I have slowly fallen behind on most of my bills.  And this month has been especially hard. I have been trying to pay for my licensing, and I made a very small payment to get a working car since my van is just about done, I need to get around for work, which is extra gas expense too. So I don't know.  Things are really tight right now.  I know God will provide. I've been thankful for my friends who let me use their washing machine because mine is still broke. Sometimes things seem to pile up on you all so hard, but I know it can only get better from here. And its ok if I admit things are a little hard. I think I never wanted to allow myself to say things are hard, because in doing so, it somehow would mean before was better, but that's not true.  Funny the things our minds convince us of. I know good things are coming, and we will get through this small hump. Thanks for being supportive. 

Poor Me

Life...why do we live our lives? Day in...day out...same job..same family...sometimes different problems. Problems, why do we have problems?  Everyone goes through problems. The rich, the poor, the Godly, the Ungodly. What makes problems more bearable, how do you still have hope amidst those problems. Peace that passes all understanding. Love that covers all. Forgiveness for things that we have done.
Philippians 4:4-7
Rejoice in the Lord always and again I will say rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hears and minds in Christ Jesus.
How often do we find things to be thankful for during a hard situation. Do we look for the positive or do we dwell on the negative? Dwelling on the negative is very easy to do. We say, look at my situation and how bad it is, I deserve to just be sad and negative. Because, honestly it is way harder to be thankful and find joy. Funny though, why is that, why not do what is harder to do to find joy? Why take the easy road, have a pity party, and loathe in misery. We are funny aren't we. I have much to be thankful for. If you don't know Gods will in any moment, know that being thankful is always Gods will. I Thes 5:18 In everything give thanks for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. There are a few verses that tell you specifically what God's will are. This is one of them. I really think that I have been kind of dwelling on the poor me. I wasn't being very thankful for much and focusing on how much I have to do and why it has to be all me. If any one has an excuse to say poor me, I am probably a good candidate. But why do that to myself.  I have soooo much to be thankful for. And I am not doing this alone if I don't want to. I can choose to try to survive on my own with out the Lord, but how far is that going to get me. So I have been realizing some of this lately.  Life is way to hard to carry that burden alone. I have now given it all back to him. And WOW. What a difference it has made. I feel so much happier, things are coming together like I never thought they would, and I don't have to worry about tomorrow. I just choose to be thankful each day. And do my best with what God has given me.  I love the song " Lord, I need you, oh I need you"

Life as we know it

So hears a story... of a gal named Holly, who had 7 lovely children of her own.....Ok I don't know why the Brady Bunch tune is in my head. LOL So I guess I haven't written in a while because things have been a bit crazy. I've been busy working on my SendOutCards Business, organizing our house, setting up chores for 7 kids, figuring out a meal plan for everyone, homeschooling 6 kids, attempting to figure out what normal is, selling things on craigslist, killing mice, working on emotional issues, taking kids to counseling, the doctor, getting rid of stalkers, working on my business a little more, visiting people that need help, trying not to stress, working on teaching my kids the Bible, dancing, laundry, keeping the house in a bit of order, tying to figure out money till my business grows, keeping up on the car, paying bills, trying to stay cool, raising a teenager, and so much more,  all while trying not to go insane. I've been trying really hard to balance all of that with out being so exhausted I don't want to attempt to do anything at all. I am seeing how just being a stay at home mom of seven is a lot of work in itself. But to be the sole provider too, it is hard. God is good and provides and I am trying not stress, but it's kind of overwhelming at times. My counselors have compared my family and what we have been through, to a train wreck. We were all in a wreck and some of us came away with internal injury's but look fine, while others were buried in rubble, and maybe some only got a scratch. We are all different, but yet everyone has the relief that we are still alive and the wreck is over.  While we are all relieved, my counselors threw in the idea, what if you found out the reason you were in the wreck is because the conductor fell asleep? So crazy. I don't feel anger, but I think the relief is wearing off and the reality of what I have been left with is sinking in. God is good and is helping us sort it all out. Balancing working and kids and home life is interesting. Never knowing how the next bill is getting paid exactly. Feeling like network marketing business is such a slow going thing, but with so much potential. My only hope is to grow it big enough to where I won't have to worry about working sooo much. And my ultimate desire is to help others. I'm hoping in 5 years I can be the one reaching out to others financially and not the other way around. I guess just keep me in your prayers, I am in a very stressful stage of all this and trying to sort it all out.
"All things work together for good, to those who love God. and are called according to his purpose."
Romans 8:28

Sendcere

What is Sendcere?

It is just like pinterest, a free social media site that is free to join, favorite and share things on, only it is made up of thousands of real greeting cards. It makes it easy to find just the right card by using the search bar. Father, golf for example. And if you want to change the writing in the card you can. It is totally free to join, and if you want to send  one of the cards you can easily by paying $1.98 plus a stamp at the end.  It's so fun and awesome.

What I want you to do!!!
Click the link below and sign up for a FREE Sendcere account. You don't need to buy anything ever. But if you ever do choose to send a card now and then, I will get the credit. If you try to join sendcere with out following one of my links, I will not get credit for your purchases, ever. So it's important that all my friends join under me by clicking the link below. THANKYOU!!!  I know I have awesome friends.

http://www.sendcere.com/cards/103211343/21272/18003927 Click on the follow button then it will prompt you to log in or open an account. :)

#wegetpaidtobenicetopeople
We Get Paid To Be Nice To People

A Trip of Healing

So we went on our trip to Nevada and Utah.  Made lots of stops and visited friends a long the way. It was a very healing trip for all of us.  I reconnected with a long time friend of the family who had lots of information about things I had no idea Donavan was doing. I really have gotten use to this.  There are so many stories. God knew. So its ok if I didn't. Just more proof He was watching over me and protecting me and now rescuing me. The kids had there moments of breaking down too.  It brought up many things that they have been angry about and we were able to talk about it. I also found out I am officially divorced. Such a relief. It was kind of disheartening thinking about the kind of man I really was married to. I also had a birthday recently and with that turn brings a whole new year full of new possibilities. I am excited to see how God will grow my business and do things over the next year. I feel as though we are a whole new family.  We have left the past behind and are allowing God's peace to reign. I am so thankful for a whole new life, with my amazing kids, in my amazing community, here in my amazing house. God is good.....All the time!!!

Work

Hello all!! I have been a bit weighed down lately. God is always good and provides, but I know I can not just sit around and do nothing in regards to earning an income. I even went to Nevada with the hopes of working and earning some money selling food. But all that proved was how having a job outside my home would be a strain on my family. So I have joined another business venture that I believe is worth investing in.  So now I have two home business that I fully stand behind.  They can provide and income for my and my kids for years to come. The best thing about them is they help people.  I really love that. I am going to share with you what these businesses are, so if you feel inclined to check them out and think they may be something you could use, it would greatly help our family if you join. 

The first is SendOutCards. My website is www.sendoutcards.com/have-fun There is a short video you can watch, then click learn more and watch the next quick video.  I really enjoy being able to send people cards easily from my home. This service only cost $9.80 a month.

My other business is Legal Shield.  My website is www.hollywatkins.legalshield.com There is also a video you can watch at this site too.  I also use this services as well.  I now have a lawyer available to call anytime I need, for $20 a month. I never thought I needed a lawyer, but they do things like prepare my will, and review documents I sign, and I someone tries to overcharge me, I can find out my rights and more. It's pretty amazing.  Just watch the video is all I ask.

I really hate writing this, but I am getting desperate.  I do not want to live on government assistance forever.  It would be really great if I can get things going. :)

Divorce and Forgiveness

The last few weeks/month of my life have brought some unique challenges. News of hearing about my divorce has brought out some odd views. I am in bit of a shock, some people are suggesting I wait for Donavan, he may change. Well, not wanting to bring undo hardship, I have not gone into great detail about why Donavan went to prison.  It would not be right for me to put such things on here. So some of you who think you know what he is in there for, may not know, really. If you think you need to know more. Get a hold of me. But in any case. I have a right to divorce. Whether for the reason he went to prison, or for the abuse he put me and my children through the last 11 yrs, verbally, emotionally and some physically. I know that I am in the ok, and above all, that God knows it's ok. God knows that I have been with Donavan through pretty much EVERYTHING a person can possible experience while being married. I stayed through all of it. So another miracle I have learned through this, is that God was teaching me all these years how to forgive. I have been through so much, and still chose to forgive and love again. It wasn't always easy, especially being lied to, that's a really hard one. I was given a book called "The Freedom to Love and Live Again" by David E. Ritzenthaler.  It really helped me a lot. It has you list out things people have done to you, and then your own sinful reaction to what happened and more. You pray out the whole list. It is really freeing and helped me a ton.  I would recommend it to anyone and everyone. We all have been hurt by people, but have you really taken thought to forgive them? I found I didn't have the anger I once had after doing that. So the Lord was teaching me how to forgive both big and little things overtime and daily, so that when the Biggest thing hit, that too, was added to the list of things I have forgiven.  Although the other day God showed me as I was questioning, "have I really forgiven" that it is going to be a constant decision I have to make. Every time I hear yet another disheartening story from my kids, or learn of another lie ect...I will have the choice in those moments to be angry or to forgive...again. So it will be a journey, one that I believe God has equipped me with the tools to bear. Like I told a friend the other day, It is only a miracle of God that I can come out of something like this and not be bitter. But that is all God.

So I have been challenged in a lot of areas by the things people have been saying to me. I realize that some people view my joyful attitude as me not dealing with what I went through.  To those people, I just say that God truly prepared me for all of it, so when it hit, it was a relief, not a burden.  To say being a single Mom with seven kids is heaven compared to what I lived with before, says a lot about what a life I was living. And my Joy, comes from the Lord, my rock, my redeemer. With Him anything is possible. Most of you knew me when I was with Donavan and I had joy then too.  That is because God was my rock then too.  I would always try to talk about and point out the positive. Ps 55:21 Says "His speech was smoother than butter, but his heart was war: His words were softer than oil, yet they were drawn swords."  I know a lot of you knew Donavan, and you all know how well he was with his words. I knew he could sell catsup to a woman in white, little did I realize I was also a woman in white. I don't want to talk too negatively here, but the point is God knows the heart of these kinds of men.  It is what is in your heart that matters.  Donavan and his heart has led him to his path, and I have chosen to follow the Lord all of these years, and he has rescued me. The rest of  Ps55 says "Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you, He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.  But You, O God, will bring them down to the pit of destruction; Men of bloodshed and deceit will not live out half their days. But I will trust in You." WOW is all I have to say.  I know God loves Donavan too, and we pray he will truly repent, sometimes it takes loosing it all for you to see your need for a savior. And if I was to stay, and wait, he would not loose it all, and he would be clinging to a control that he has had for a long long time. I can forgive him, but I don't need to allow him back in my family.  I know God is ok with what I am doing, and I know He has great plans for my future. I do serve a God who is in the business of doing miracles. :-)

Thoughts of Heaven

I want to write on a subject God has placed on my heart! I feel like God is offering us the one thing that he thought we would all yearn for. A place with no pain, hurt, or tears. Isn't that what the world is always striving for? Peace. If we could live and not have pain wouldn't that be perfect? So God created that perfect place, heaven. But who wants to go to heaven? Well initially we all would say we do, right? But do we want to be there because that is a place we can be with God for eternity with no pain? I heard some one say once that every one wants to go to heaven, they just don't want to God to be there. We all have this idea of what heaven is. Some of us are afraid we won't like it or we will miss our earthly things. But God has taken the time to careful construct a place that we will enjoy for eternity. Why do we doubt the awesomeness of God? We like it pretty well here on earth, we enjoy a lot of things that God put here for us, but we still have pain and sorrow. How much more better will heaven be? A place for us with out the pain and sorrow!!! God is not going to construct a place that is less enjoyable than earth for us to live in for eternity! We think with our earthly minds so it is truly hard to grasp what God can really do. So search your heart. What is it you really think about heaven?

Revelation 21:4

And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more pain,

for the former things have passed away.

Update on us

I guess it has been a little bit since I wrote something last. Things have been going really well for us. We moved and are now in our own place. Praise the Lord!! It is big enough for us and we love it! We are out in the country, and when I open the blinds to all the windows in my living room I feel like I am in the middle of a forrest. It is really peaceful and I even think we have a deer family living on our property. We pull up and they don't even run off. Anyway we are slowing getting back on track with homeschooling and chores. Another kid has started counseling and I hope to get a few more in soon too. I don't go to my Domesic Violence Support Group any more. I feel like that stage of my life has past. I am truely a survivor now and life is better.  Thinking about that was such a strange thought a while back, survivor??? But now that I am totally out of the picture I can look back and see things were really bad.  I guess when you are going through it, its hard to understand what is happening. I did survive, and now I thrive! I am amazed everyday that we have been rescued and how God has provided our every need every day! With no husband it is easy to see that God is my provider. I even get to stay home with my kids:)

 

 I Timothy 6:8 Now Godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world and it is certain we can carry nothing out. And having food and clothing, with these things we shall be content.

 



I am learning to live my life so if I died tomorrow I can truely say I have done all that was required of me. I lived the life that God intended. That is my goal each day. For a smaller and fun goal this week I am trying to make each one of my kids laugh each day. I would like to set a new small goal for each week. So stay tuned.... :) 

Christmas letter

This is the letter I put in my Christmas card this year. Some of you may not have gotton a Christmas card, I may need your address :-), and for those who did it was a little had to read. I apologize.

Dear Friends and Family,   
I am so excited to be able to send Christmas cards this year. I know it has been a while. No new kids this time and I am not pregnant....lol  God has done some amazing things in my family this year, and although I am alone now, I am not alone. "For I am with you" says the Lord. God has brought me on an amazing journey these last several years, and what man intended for bad, God has used for good. "All things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to his purpose."  Almost 12 years ago it started, and although I was pregnant and single, it caused me to make a lifetime commitment to the Lord.  I prayed about the decision of marriage and I felt God confirmed it. The first year was very hard, but I learned a lot about how to be a good wife and that God would always take care of me, whether I was with Donavan or not.. The next few years weren't too bad, I was cheerful, serving, and his cheerleader in life. I loved to share with others the things I was learning about being a good wife. Things were not perfect, but was hopeful that if I practiced my new skills things would improve. A few more years went by, we had a few more kids, my hope of change was growing dimmer.  I no longer shared my excitement with others. But still tried hard every day to do my best as a wife and mother. I learned that I would probably never please him, but I could please the Lord. God knew my heart, He knew how I tried always to be the best for my family. I wasn't perfect at all, but I would try, and pray, and accept correction. A few more years went by, a few more kids, kids I gladly added to my family, and moving into a trailer. I loved  being close with my family and didn't mind traveling so much. But with the lack of friends and church support pushing me forward, and things getting worse than ever, I lost heart. As the kids got older, the worse it got. Like the Israelites in the desert, I felt somewhat abandoned. But we weren't. God was still with us.  Working in ways we had no idea. My prayer changed from Lord, help my husband, to please change him or take him. I could bear no more. God heard my cry. Surprisingly we moved to back to Oregon, with out him. How could this be? He worked in Nevada and we lived in Oregon. I had a bit of burden lifted although I felt so guilty for thinking it so. I was rejuvenated through it and I was ready to do whatever God wanted, to give my whole heart in commitment to my marriage. God had helped me in so many ways. Soon after that he lost his job in Nevada and was coming home. That was the beginning of the end. Life became crazier than ever. But in that, God started showing me things. Showing me the truth of our situation, and showing me that we needed to separate for a time. And even though trusted friends and counselors were telling me to stay together, I knew what God was telling me. It was the hardest thing I ever did.  Not much later, the truth about what he was doing came out, the police were called, and now he is serving his time in prison. I am now learning slowly the truth of how things really were my whole life.  I do pray he truly has a heart change. But now I am free. Free from that marriage and somewhat relieve from that burden. Although much damage was done to our family, God is the great healer. He has provided us with the help we need to get on the right track. God was walking with us during this whole journey. I am who I am today, I have the great kids I have today, I live in the greatest community in the world today, and I have the support  I need today, because of my past and the life God gave me. I am thankful for it all. I love to see how God provides for us everyday now.  In the big things and the little. He never ceases to amaze me. Not everyone's journey is as extreme as mine, but God still sees your heart, He hears your prays.  Do not give up or loose heart, He will answer you in his timing. "If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land." 2Chor 7:14 He will take care of you just as he has taken care of me and my 7 children. Over the years I have been given cars, small things I have wanted, and big things I have needed. I serve a God who owns the universe. I am his princess. How awesome is that! I hope you have a great Christmas and I can't wait for next year when I can write about the new things God will bring about in my life. :)
Love,The Watkins
Holly, Austin, Jeffrey, Alissa, Katelyn, Elizabeth, Tiffany, Summer

Our biggest christmas ever!

Our new nativity scene given to me by a great friend

 

I know my last post was written about things I am thankful for, but there is so much more. God is showing me so many things. So we are doing really good. I got some new kids in counseling and the others are doing way better. We are amazed at how our Christmas is coming together. I haven't spent any money yet we have so many presents under our tree, and even some for me! We usually didn't have much for Christmas in the past. And last year we didn't even have a tree.  So to see what God provided is amazing.   Just in the last two weeks or so I have been given a Christmas tree, had money given to me, all our bikes are fixed, a friend paid for a new tire I needed, someone took our family portrait for free, many families have given us presents, food, and we got our housing voucher, and right now I am sitting at a fancy condo by the beach! I am so blown away. So we get to move to a place of our own here pretty soon. And God is always working the impossible in situations for us. I am a little overwhelmed at the thought of moving again so soon, but I think it took me moving to somewhere small to realize we may need a little bit bigger place. That one extra bedroom makes a big difference, so we are going from a two bedroom to a three. :) And the place has a big living room and dining room, which I love, because I love having people over and hosting things. So I am looking forward to doing that again.

 

Thank you all for your prays. I am also very blessed to be in the community I am in. People are really nice to my kids and are always willing to help us our in different situations. God has shown me that I am not alone in raising my children. He is walking this road with me, and I can go to Him anytime I need him. Sometimes I feel like the same characteristics I have lived with are showing up in my children. But I serve a God bigger than any legacy we have been left with. God has helped me to stay more patient with my kids, I almost feel like my old self again. And I am learning to enjoy time on my own.  I even went to see a movie with some friends :) by my myself.  I do most things with my kids, and for a little while it was hard to be alone. But now I am starting to enjoy it. It is nice to feel like a whole, normal person again. God can heal anything!

 

 

                                                    Our tree is going to be hidden soon!

Lots to be thankful for!!

I have been so busy trying to unpack, have thanksgiving, play practice, and just managing 7 kids...lol. So first, Thanksgiving. It was really great, I hosted a dinner for the other ladies that go to Sable House. A lot of us are in the same situation so it was fun to get together out side of our support group that we go to. My church was very supportive and let me host it there. They also helped to donate food and decorations. So it was pretty easy on me.  We made gingerbread houses with the ladies and their children. They all said they had a lot of fun. We did too! :)


I'm not the best yet at getting these to look organized or even in a nice row....but whatever lol (keep reading below the pictures)

  

  

 



My children and I have been practicing for the Christmas play. It is quite a production. Not just a simple play.  You are all invited. I hope if you live close by, you can come. If not it will be recorded, I can get you a copy if you let me know. 

I have to tell you about my special camera. I wanted to buy a camera on black Friday, or as some call it grey Thursday..lol. But I had no money so I just took my children shopping, they had money. A few days later I thought maybe the store would have some left over black Friday camera's. But they said "no". So I needed a camera anyway. I talked with the salesman about what camera would be best and why. I finally narrowed it down which one I wanted. He went to look for it under where they keep them locked up and they didn't have it. But they had this other camera that was almost the same, the man wasn't sure what it was. He went to check and it turned out to be a black Friday camera. So not only was it cheap but it was just like the one I wanted and was going to pick anyway. I really felt special, like God had kept it there for me. I was super blessed and excited! This is the second time in just a few months that God has used the fact that I had no money when I thought I needed it, to bless me more later.  He is awesome like that!

Moving has proved itself to be interesting.  I have never moved by myself before. I have never had to make all or any of the decisions before. So it was a bit overwhelming, but a lot of great people showed up to help me and made the transition much easier. I also had a lot of people show up to help me clean the house to "perfection." I needed to leave the house really perfect. It was really perfect when we moved in. So thank you to all of you that helped me! I could have never done it with out you!. Figuring out where to put everything in my house is another exciting challenge. Never have I been able to just put things where I want. And decorating was never my job.  I know that sounds weird, but it's true. I keep typing and backspacing, I want to say I am not good at decorating or arranging rooms, but I really don't know that, I've never really been given a chance or if I tried it was changed. So we will see.

God provided a mini storage for me paid for the next few months, and I get to live rent free for a while. Praise the Lord! He is good to me. I look forward to sending Christmas cards here soon.  If you would like a card, I would love to send you one! Please email me your address. Also feel free to leave comments on here, it is nice, or on FB. Thanks! hollywatkinssoc@gmail.com is my email

The Trial

This is the speech that I gave to Donavan today. It was very liberating to be able to say something without fear of repercussions from him. His sister was also able to speak. A lot of his family felt very controlled by him also. He did try to walk away after I started speaking but the judge made him come back and listen. I also played messages from my kids.

I am learning in my Domestic violence class that I need to do things for myself once in a while. People in our situation have given and given for so many years that we hardly can bring ourselves to do things for ourselves. So this, this speech is for ME. This summer God started revealing things to me, and opened my eyes to how you really are.. I gave our marriage my all for many many years, but these last few, I was at my wits end. Nothing ever seemed to make things better. And now I know why. You are an abusive person Donavan. You may not realize this, but it is clear as day to me now.  My counselor read me a list of abusive behaviors and had me write down the things that you had done to me. It took up a whole page, and I had no doubt that I am a victim of domestic violence, as crazy as that sounds. I have realized that you are a master manipulator and liar. It is amazing how much you are just like all the other abusive men.  Doing things like being harsh, demanding, always blaming me, threatening to abandon me, arguing over small things, not leaving me alone when I ask, pushing me, calling me names, cutting off family and friends, requiring me to ask permission to do just about anything, humiliating me, throwing things, accusing me of thing you are doing, calling me crazy, and trying to convince others I was crazy... are just a FEW of the things on the list. You not only did these things to me, but to our kids as well. God has seen our sufferings, he has answered our prayers. I am glad he gave me the last two years to stand up to you sometimes, and to stand up for our kids, I am glad for those moments when I said to our family THIS IS NOT NORMAL.and slowly I grew to not love you anymore. God only knows how I would be falling apart right now if I loved you the way I did years ago. I always knew I was never good enough for you, but now, with what you have done, I feel sorry for you. You are a sick man. I pray that you repent before God, and he truly saves your soul. Your only hope is to one day see you kids in Heaven. I have always tried to stand up for you, and the fact that no one really knows how you treated us in private, is proof I was a good wife.  You lost out Donavan.  We could have been awesome together, but you just couldn't stop lying and being abusive....its ok. God has given me another chance,  I am  going to a Christian counselor and learning what a normal healthy loving relationship is really like.... and someday I will make somebody a really really great wife.Real men don't lie to, cheat on or abuse women.

He pleaded guilty and got 75 months and he will also have a trial in Nevada and Arizona.

This verse God showed me today and is my heart.
Colossians 3:12-17 NKJV

Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must  do.  But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.

Thankyou everyone for your prayers.

Update on Donavan

Trial is set for November 13th, Next Wednesday. At 11:30 in Circuit 4 at the jail. He is PLEADING GUILTY. He has admitted to many things, but only a few things in Oregon so he will only get about 6yrs here.  After he pleads guilt and is sentenced here, he will be shipped off to Nevada to be tried for the other charges that he admitted too and get a min of 35yrs. They are working on having that trial be in Jan in NV. Arizona is still working on their case, he could be tried there too. Please let anyone know who you think may want to know, I don't have time to call everyone. I am still trying to pack my house.

God's Blessings

Philippians 4:19 And my God with supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. I have a God that owns the universe, and all that is in it belongs to him. We have been so blessed these last few weeks, I don't even know where to start. I put on Facebook that we are better taken care of now, being alone than before.  It is so true. I was given enough money to pay my rent, people have been almost demanding I call them when I need help moving, giving me boxes, other supplies, gas, I have a friend that will come fix my car whenever I need it, we have plenty of food, people that watch my kids, people that say such encouraging things to me, people all over are praying for me, I have amazing counselors, friends, church, we have had many people tell us how they are working to find us a place to live, I am just so blow away with what an awesome God we serve.  He loves me and that is all that matters. So thank you all of you that are allowing God to use you and bless us, it makes such a world of difference.  It makes this load I carry so much more bearable.

Tried to get a new picture super fast before church on Sunday.lol

 

I would appreciate prayer for my children. Like my counselors said, the wall of protection they had put up from the abuse, is coming down. Some of them act really different now and I need some wisdom on how to handle that. They are amazing kids, that have been through way too much. They all have such sweet loving hearts to help others. It is hard to give each one the attention needed to deal with things. I have started doing what one wise woman told me...take those moments when you find yourself alone with one of them and connect with them for just a minute. I really like this, it's like little hugs, or a small tickle to get a smile, or telling them how beautiful they are. And trying to smile at each one when they look at me, this is hard for me at this point, and I don't know why. I was once accused of being too nice to my kids. I would like to be there again, it is so hard to find the balance in being firm enough to keep the peace without being so harsh you are not pleasant.

 

On a flip note, a big burden has been lifted, my soon to be ex husband has confessed to some of his crimes, taking away that fear of will he really be convicted. Now it's just a matter of when and how long. God's hand works in every area of my life. I do have a lot of legal issues I still need to work out in regards to the children. So prayer in that area is appreciated.  Thanks!

Whom Shall I Fear (God of Angel Armies) Chris Tomlin

We are moving.....

I know I have not written in a while, we have been busy working and being sick some. Thank you to those who gave us work, it is much appreciated. It is really hard to come up with $1500 a month, and my lease is up the end of November.  So I think it's time to move on. I am still working on applying for some new housing things that have come up, so if they go through great, if not we will move on. We were able to earn about half of our rent, but still have a ways to go. It is due Nov 1st but I have a few days grace if  I need too. I would like to get a travel trailer again if we can. But would like it to have 2 bedrooms. My kids really need there own area and I can sleep on the couch. That really is the cheapest way to live. I don't have a trailer to live in yet, but I know God will provide.  We aren't opposed to living in a house, I just don't know what we can afford, and most people probable don't want me to live in their 2 bedroom with 7 kids...lol. We do have somewhere we can stay with friends if I don't find anything. So if anyone knows of anyone with a trailer or small house, let me know.  I was thinking I could buy a trailer with my tax return this year and maybe make payments for a bit till then. I don't  know. Just keep us in your prayers. Going from being a stay at home mom to a provider of 7 children, is a total lifestyle adjustment.

We Can Work!!

                                                     We really do need some work.

We are working on putting a flyer out for our neighbours on Ferns Corner Road, so if you are one of our neighbours, Welcome! Thank you for reading this. This is my blog about my life. I found out my husband  lied  to me about a lot of things and had a secret life, and it wound him up in jail. So now it’s just me and the 7 kids. I really would like to keep our house.  I have not had a real job in 9 years so I am not going to make much getting a regular job.  I am working on a small business called SendOutCards, that will be able to support us someday. But for now I am willing to work doing any variety of odd jobs.  My kids love to help me, so whatever you think we could do to help you out, that would be a blessing.  Here are some ideas that are a starter, but you may be able to think of more.

• Spring clean your house (things you never get to)
• Or a weekly regular cleaning.
• Babysitting ( even in the middle of the night emergency)
• Sewing
• Cooking a meal (sick, busy)
• Pick up kids from school if you are busy one day
•  
• Clean up your yard/ windows
•  
• Pull weeds, pick up/haul wood
•  
• Type a paper, or do some accounting. I know QuickBooks.
•  
• I am really good with computers, transferring pictures, organizing files/pictures ect.
• Help with organizing things. I love to organize!
• Do a dump run (have a hitch on my mini van for small stuff)
•  
• Farm chores, I can milk cows and goats!
• Clean the garage!
• Think of that odd job you just never get around to doing.

My business I am doing is www.sendoutcards.com/have-fun, if you want to check it out, just watch the video. I meet at The Well every Thusday night at 8pm to learn more about it.

Thank you for reading this and thinking of us.

Call me 971-600-8015 Holly 

The rest of you that don't live on my road, if you live in my area you can call me for work too! Thanks!