Keeping Humble, Life is hard

So I guess God likes to keep us humble. After I wrote last weeks post I went and saw my counselor. It is a Christian couple, they do it together, so sometimes I say he, and other times I say she when I refer to them.  Just so no one gets the wrong idea, when I say He...lol. Anyway, we went over a list that is stuff you experience in a domestic violence/abuse relationship. Some things I checked were a sometimes, and some things were an always. So now I get to figure out what things were not normal in my relationship/family and what things were. I know some of you know me better than others. Maybe some of you who know me/us could tell me if you think something we did was normal or not normal. Like, remember that one time when this happened, well I thought it was a little odd. I just want to think outside the box a little.  Learn something about normal.

 I really wanted to talk about how my counselor said, I will probably have a down from this "high" I seem to be on.  And that my kids and I have developed this cooping mechanism, to survive things, and slowly we will ease off of this cooping mechanism and different feelings and behaviors may arise. I see that happening in my kids some. But it was as if I was given permission to feel something. That very day I got a some mail that hit a trigger. I started to cry. And cry. It was as if the all the hurt hit me at once. I don't really share all the details of the drama that happens everyday in my life. I try not to talk too negatively about the "other" party. So sometimes its hard to write, and maybe it comes across as confusing to you, idk. Anyway, I thought about how I haven't really just "cried". I wanted to so badly when this all first came out, but I had to be strong for my kids, and some of them viewed me as crazy, if I started to cry. Thoughts planted. Things are better now in that area. I am learning I am not crazy, that is just something the abuser tries to get everyone to believe. So I guess this past few days I have been kind of a wreak.  I have had some worry about life and jobs and housing, and my kids, some hurt.  I know God will provide. Sometimes we just wish we knew exactly how. So today I listen to Held by Natalie Grant. A song that has also carried me through the years. Thank you so much for all your prayers.  I guess this is one unique journey, I am blessed that you will walk this road with me and help me along.

God is strong!

Isaiah 26:3 You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in You.  This verse was given to me by a pastor years ago, when I had come to the church to seek help for my marriage. I have carried it with me all these years and tried to apply it to my life. Another favorite of mine is Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. These verses gave me hope, for many, many years.  I am just so glad that God never gave up on me, even though I just about gave up on Him. I feel as though people look at me like I am some strong person because of my attitude going through all that I am going through. I have no doubt that God is giving me strength with out measure, but you need to know I failed. What I am going through right now is God's answer to me. I am on the up side of things. I am soooo grateful. But how I was on the down side of things is my failing. Things have been bad for a long long time. So long, that I almost gave up. The last couple of years were my worst. I knew God loved me, but he seemed so far away, and nothing ever seemed to get better no matter what I did. It was so hard to find a church, then try to go alone, and get 7 kids ready, just to find out church was canceled. Satan hit us hard, and probable won, too many times. I had pretty much given up. When life was at it's worst I gave up. I did what I needed to do for my family, but my heart was not there for my husband any more, and I wondered where God was in all of it. I was like everybody else.  I had nothing left to give. I was taken into the desert, literally and figuratively, and I dried up.  It wasn't till I moved back to Oregon that I started to see some hope, although I felt sooo much guilt for being happy to be living alone.....deep down I really felt like God was giving me a break....but was that ok to think??? There were times in those years when I would try hard again, but Satan is always there knocking us back down when we try, trying to convince us that life is harder with Jesus...such a lie! I finally had my heart set on God again, and not giving up,I had just faith like a mustard seed.  and life got to be the worse it had ever been. He had came home. But God helped me, and started to reveal things to me.  Things I could never figure out before. I think God spoke clearer to me in those days than I had ever experienced before.  And now all the truth has come out, and as a result I have been rescued. God has rescued me! I am on the good side of things.  I am not strong. I fail. My God is strong and He loves me THAT much. I have prayed for many, many, many years, what is wrong with me, with us, why is it is never enough. God has showed me now. Although I gave it my all for  many, many years, I slowly gave up, and I am so sorry.  I missed so many opportunities to be a good witness for God. I am so grateful God did not give up on me, and now I have a wonderful family.  My kids are so amazing.  God waited for the right time to reveal things.  Waited till I had the right kids.  Without any of them, things would not work the way they do. God is soooo good. ALL THE TIME. How do I put a song on here?....lol I love that song! Anyway, this is hard to share, but I feel like God is telling me to share this, and because I feel bad, like people think I'm so strong going through all of this. I'm not. I'm rejoicing because of answered prayers, that's it.

God has prepared the way

So as I talk with people about my life I am just amazed at how God has prepared the way for things to happen the way they did. One of those things is, my curriculum. I really hadn't thought about till I was telling someone what curriculum we use. Last year when we had some money we bought this curriculum, which for the most part covers k-12, called Robbinson curriculum. It was written by a man whose wife died and he wanted to continue to homeschool his kids, so he wrote this more self directed curriculum. God knew I would need this.

The next thing God has directed is a small business venture I started a few months back.  He knew I would need this to support myself and my kids.  It will probable take some time to get it off the ground an make enough money to support my family, but I am now going all out.  Treating it like a real job. I am so excited that God has provided this for me. I don't want to waste this opportunity.  Most of you already know what this endevure is, but if you don't it is Send Out Cards.  The best business I could possibly be in.  www.sendoutcards.com/have-fun is my website.  For about $10 a month, you too could become one of my customers, and have fun sending cards and gifts online. Anyway, I started today going around to local businesses.  I am excited to see what God is going to do. I also am going to have weekly meetings at The Well in Dallas on Thurs nights 8pm.  Come see what the fun is all about.

These are just a couple of things, not to mention the very fact we are in Oregon around people who love us.

On another note, we were able to meet with Austin and Alissa's mom  in person.  Austin was able to pray with her and share Gods love with her.  We were so happy to see God helped us find her, and we got to see her in person.  We had a great trip in Washington. We visited with many different family members. It was really nice to see everyone, and meet some new ones. I am glad to see that God was my defense in many situations, where Donavan had portrayed me as someone I was not. I guess what most of the "family" is saying, is they are happy to get to know me now, I never really talked to people much before. But now I do and they can see I am nice. :)

All of the 9 kids together plus a                            Austin and Alissa with their mom
boyfriend and baby (still inside, lol)

What would you label this title as? lol

I know it has been a while since my last post.  Someone had said to me that I write too much negative stuff. So I wanted to re-evaluate what I am writing, why and how I can make sure I am not doing that.  I think it was just Satan finding a way to discourage me.  I have sought counsel and researched my Bible.  Anyway. We are doing good. We were able to go on our church campout and had a blast.  While we were there, we talked with some people about the end times and different signs.  So many things point to it being soon, but no one knows the day or hour, so our conclusion is to just be ready.  Are you ready? It has prompted Austin to want to be able to talk to his mom in Washington.  He has such a heart to help others. So here we are, in Washington.  He has not seen his mom in a few years. Not many people have seen her.  But we started asking around, praying that God would help us, and he did.  We just happened upon her boyfriend's brother. He was able to call his brother and get her on the phone and Austin got to talk to her.  It was really exciting! While we are up here in Washington, we are able to visit other family members and friends too. It has been really great fellowshipping and getting re-acquainted with them all.